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okcupid (Erin)
Texting Rules in Online and Offline Dating


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Jan 22 2021, 2:06 PM (27 w, 1 d)

I’ve mentioned my friend Anne before….her divorce is almost final and a friend wanted to set her up to meet a nice doctor pal of hers. Anne gave this lady permission to pass on her number.

Said man, we’ll call “No voice Vinnie” texted her one day introducing himself and asked if she’d like to get together for a drink sometime.”

Assuming he was at work since it was the middle of the day and thought he probably couldn’t talk, didn’t think much of the fact that a man she’d never met reached out for the first time to introduce himself - WITH A TEXT, and texted back that yes, she would.

He texted back that he was going on vacation in a matter of days but would like to get together when he returned. She texted that would be fine and to CALL her when he got back.

Awhile later, he texted again and said that “tonight was open if she could swing a last minute drink”. She actually could be free for a short time for a quick one so they made plans, VIA TEXT, to meet later that evening.

20 minutes before they were to arrive at the restaurant, he texted her the following  

“Stuck at hospital, sorry can’t make it….”

Now this is wrong on so many levels.

A.) First he wasn’t gentleman enough to pick up the phone so he could voice-to-voice introduce himself. So now having to break their plans he should have at least thought, (if he wanted to make a good impression at all) the proper thing would be to call and SPEAK to her.

B.) Making quick plans via text is fine for established friends or someone you are dating regularly, but again, he didn’t even know her. Men, it’s not sexy to make first time plans with a woman with a text or an email. Grant her the respect of at least showing her she worth human contact with your voice!

C.) What if her phone had been in her purse or out of earshot. A text only gives a small chime that she could have missed. He should have called her to make sure she got the message. It’s harder to miss a ringing phone as opposed to a little chime.

D.) Back to being a gentleman- he made last minute plans and then broke them. To show respect, attempt to show that his “blow of” was legitimate, and hope to get another date, he should have picked up that phone. She was left thinking he got a better offer.

She told me that unless he CALLED her to apologize again she would not go out with him. I don’t blame her. Yes, it’s true that as a doctor he very well may have gotten tied up, but why is it okay in his mind to send a text to someone he doesn’t even know, has never met, but asked her out and then blew her off 20 minutes before the date? If he truly had gotten tied up, then a man worth his salt would have followed up again with his voice to apologize the second he had a moment.

Why would a grown man imagine that is proper behavior? Successful business people would never treat a client in this fashion. Not if they expected to keep that client and their business reputation so why is it considered okay in the personal arena?

It’s not classy or sexy. It’s rude.

Well, “No voice Vinnie”, did follow up…..but not with a phone call. With…you guessed it, another text.

The next day he texted: “Again, sorry about last night…” nothing more was added to this text than the first blow off text so I’m not sure what the point of this second one was.

It sealed his fate.

She responded, “Not a problem.” and has decided not to meet him in the future.

Texting has its place. Quick messages of ‘need to know’ information:

“I’m running late”, “what are you wearing tonight?”, “on my way”… to your friend or regular date where a relationship is established and you actually ‘talk’ to the person more often than text or email.

Or a few quick banter texts with someone you may be flirting with, or big news that can’t wait, “Call me asap, I have to tell you something important…”

You get the idea. Texting is not the way to reach out and introduce yourself for the first time, or for setting up any kind of plans, or having entire conversations with someone you barely know. And if your method of communication with anyone is done predominately through texting or email, especially in the dating arena, ask yourself if you are happy with that and if not, change it.

Men who keep their communication at arms length and very impersonal like this in my opinion are giving clues to how unavailable they will also be in person and with the relationship at whole.

Ladies, if you are not happy with the texting arrangement set some boundaries, text back “call me” instead of going along. You have to manage this aspect of your relationships just as you have to manage everything else to get what you want and deserve.

And let’s face it, you at least deserve to hear the man’s voice before accepting a date with him!

What do you think? Anyone else frustrated with the abuse and overuse of texting and email in offline and online dating?

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